It’s been almost three years.
And what is there to say?
It feels like I have something inside of me that needs to come out; something that needs to be spilled from my fingertips onto the page.

the boys

Three years ago, on January 20, 2006, four boys from my high school were involved in a car accident. Victor died at the scene. Ian was life flighted to the hospital, and died in surgery. Jody was in a coma for a week, and was taken off life support on the 28th. Nelson, by some miracle, escaped with minor (in comparison) injuries.

Us

Our school was torn apart. I was a freshman at school in Tennessee at the time, and myself and 6 other kids from SLA flew home that night. Kids came home from everywhere across the country. Never was there a quicker gathering of people. I can’t describe that week in such a short space. It is beyond words, and unless you have experienced it for yourself, you can’t imagine the feeling. As if the world had ended. I loved Ian… the moment when I found out he was gone is one that I don’t like to relive.

Things have changed since then. We’ve grown up. We’ve moved apart, and in some cases, grown apart as well. I think that day changed the course of history- our history. Some of us have changed for the better, and some of us have changed for the worse. Who can say if things would have turned out differently.
But I wonder.

What would life be like right now if it never happened.

There will always be something between all of us. Some connection that cant be broken, and cant be understood either. Because how can you stop loving people who have seen you at your most broken? People who have seen you at the lowest moment in your life, when you all felt as if the world was over. And then it wasn’t. And you kept on living together.
When I see those people I remember the feelings. I remember hearing A’Lisa’s voice on the phone, telling me that Ian

Ian

died. I remember seeing Dan, Mar, and AJ there at school on Saturday, and not a word needed to be exchanged… because words couldn’t say it. I remember one giant bed on the floor of Juli’s room, and knowing that I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep. I remember watching A’Lisa and Becky watching Armageddon with me. I remember being on the plane and Jaris holding my hand. I remember the weeks after, when every single night I would get a call from Jamie, Rob, or Jason before bed. And I remember being held so tight when that was the only thing that was keeping me from falling apart.

Those moments forged bonds that are unbreakable.
But still, life goes on.
And so even though it’s forever inside of us, we heal. The scars that were on the outside aren’t so obvious anymore. And meeting us on the street, one would never know what’s underneath.

That’s what makes it so hard. Because it’s always there. It doesn’t go away. In some ways it lessens, and now the pain isn’t there all the time. But when it comes, and it does come, it’s blinding. It happens when we least expect it.

And I know my life is forever changed because of it.
Somewhere inside of me I know that my relationships will be effected forever, because I’m still in love with the thought of what could have been. I look at those pictures, and read those snippets of conversations, and listen to those songs, because something was started that can never be finished. And now I will spend my life wondering what would have happened.

Three Empty Chairs

And I know how messed up that sounds… and I feel messed up. But I also feel really blessed. And though I know I’ll never be the same, I know that what is supposed to happen will happen.

And above all else, I pray. I pray that when that day comes and they are risen up, I’m ready. And I wish there was something I could do to make everyone understand how important that is. Because life is short, and when it’s over, there are no more chances. This is our chance. And if there is one thing I’ve learned from that day three years ago, it is to make each day count, and never forgot what matters.

Live Honestly
Love Completely
Regret Nothing

I miss him.