When I watch Armageddon.

When I catch the smell of Old Spice coming from the lapel of a passing guy.

When I see a cocky little basketball player.

When I hear Switchfoot’s I Dare You to Move come through the speakers.

When I pass one of those crosses on the side of the road.

Anything really…

That’s when I think about him.

It’s been almost three years. I can’t believe time passes so quickly.

And so slowly.

I still miss him so much. I think about him every single day, without fail. Today I had too much time, and unfortunately Armageddon was on TV, so I went back through “his folder” on my computer, read all the files and conversations that I’d saved, and cried.

It still doesn’t seem real, you know?

I mean, we were so young. Kids aren’t supposed to die. And then after it happened, everything just kept going.

I was watching a show the other day where one of the characters died. Someone who loved this person went on a rant, screaming and crying and wondering how the earth could possibly keep moving after everything was over. I can remember feeling exactly the same.

I remember walking down the sidewalk at school after I found out. I saw people laughing and talking, and I remember thinking “How can you laugh? How can you be going on like nothing happened? When nothing will ever be right again.” I felt like the world had stopped spinning and everything was crashing down around me.

I felt absolutely empty, like a giant hole had been ripped inside of me and it could never be filled. I can remember tears falling down my face, rolling down in a constant stream, and I had no idea that I was even crying. It was like my body was trying to rid itself of the pain, but it couldn’t.

I didn’t eat for 4 days. Normally I can’t even go without food for 4 hours, but I didn’t even feel hungry. I can recall that I couldn’t imagine needing food to fill me up, because the rest of me felt so empty anyway, and food wouldn’t fix that.

That night at the airport waiting for the plane to take us home to the reality that would tear me apart, I called his phone. I just wanted to hear his voice on the answering machine. I did that for months afterward, until the phone company finally gave the number to someone else. When they did, I felt like I lost him again, and it was just as painful as the first time.

I had to lose him many, many times. I guess that’s the way it is with death. It doesn’t just happen once. I had to lose him every time I woke up for that first week. It took so long to feel like reality. Every time I would drift off to sleep, for only a few hours at a time, I would have to wake up and realize it all over again. A few times I had dreams about him, where he was right there next to me, and it felt so real. To wake up after that was like having another little part of me die.

I’ve tried to write about those times. I wanted to put the feelings into words… I wanted other people to understand. But I can’t do it justice. Reading back over the things I write gives me just a taste of that feeling that I had for such a long time afterwards, but only because I was there. Because I lived through it. I guess words can’t do justice to that kind of pain. But I’ve tried. Because I can’t forget, and this is the way I remember. Because I love him.

And I know I’m never going to be the same, because of him, and because I’ll always wonder. What if.

What if they never got in that car?

What if they had driven slower?

What if he was still alive, and I could still hear him, and touch him, and see him.

What if life was fair.

I’m in the airport.

I’m not coming back.

I’m not going to say anything more about it on here… if you want to know the whole story, you’ll have to ask me

I’m here.

This is the first time I’ve been able to get Internet as there is no access on the farm. It’s my day off today so I went grocery shopping and now I’m sitting in a coffee shop with my laptop and a yummy mint chocolate drink thing.

The barn here is definitely not as fancy shmancy as the one in MA, but I think I almost like this one more. It’s really beautiful around here and the horses are all close by. It’s cold though, which sucks. I’m not a fan of the cold… unfortunately I assume it’s only going to get worse for awhile.

My little room is cute, it’s all by itself on one end of the house and it’s like my little oasis.

Of course, I am homesick.

I don’t usually get homesick, and I’m sure the reason I am is because it’s been a little rough so far. Torrance can be really harsh sometimes, and I hadn’t experienced much of her criticisms at home. Erik actually said something to me about how she can be this way when she’s stressed, and it gets better. I guess he noticed the change in my demeanor.

The first day I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle the whole experience. I mean I’m still not sure. I have trouble brushing things off, and when she makes comments I don’t do a very good job of getting over it. For example, the other day Brett left some twine in the front compartment of the gator and I guess it got some hay stuck in there, and when she saw she fumed at me, saying “Everywhere you go you leave a mess! I’m not cleaning this up, you clean up your mess!”

Now I’m sure that I don’t always clean up as well as she’d like (In fact I think it’s impossible for anyone to clean up as well as she’d like) but I definitely don’t leave a mess wherever I go. And of course there’s the fact that I didn’t even leave the hay in there in the first place.

And the thing is, she doesn’t even think it’s that big of a deal. She just makes those critical “upset” comments, and then is perfectly able to go right back to joking around as if it never happened. Unfortunately I’m not able to do that. After that comment, and the few others she made that morning, my day was ruined. I was on the verge of tears the entire time, and she noticed that something was off with me. However, she had no idea why.

I need a thicker skin if I’m going to make it around here. And hopefully, things wont always be that way. Once we get into a routine I’m sure it will be easier. I’ll know the drill and be able to avoid her wrath. Yesterday was better; I didn’t really get reamed out for anything, and it gave me hope that I’ll be able to handle it.

Brett helps me to deal with it too. He’s a Godsend. I really don’t think I could make it if I didn’t have someone around to joke with, and make faces at when something happens, and commiserate with when we get into trouble. He knows that I have trouble dealing with the criticisms and reminds me that it’s ok and I have to let it roll off my back. It’s nice to have a friend.

I’m getting lots of good experience. Riding Dylan yesterday was hard, but we finished on a great note and I felt good about the way I handled it.

And this evening I’m going to meet a woman who I believe will help me out a lot and become a good friend while I’m here

So all in all, it’s been good, and bad as well. Sorry so little information, but this coffee shop is about to close. Hopefully I’ll be able to check in more than once a week, but it’s doubtful.

And the quote.

“If you always do what you’ve always done… you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.”

That is what I thought when I realized that I’m actually going to Virginia tomorrow. Yes. Tomorrow.

I thought today would be a pretty relaxing day. I was all packed and I brought my two giant bags to the barn in the morning so they could get packed into the trailer, and I figured it would be no problem for me to go home later to pick up my 3 day bag. That’s the bag I was supposed to pack with enough stuff for 3 days in case Erik needed to bring my other bags later in the week. The 3 day bag turned out to be bigger than the other ones

So that’s what I thought. Now if you’ve read my writings before, you can probably guess that that’s not how it ended up.

I got to the barn and it was already in a frenzy of stress and anxiety.

When Torrance is stressed I try to stay out of her way. She’s funny, because she has such a hard time getting stuff going. I mean she knows what to do, but as she rushes to try to get one thing done she gets totally sidetracked by something else. It’s a process getting anything taken care of. I try not to be standing somewhere near her, or else she’ll start talking to me about something or correct something I’m doing and completely lose what she was in the middle of.

I actually didn’t learn the plan until I got to the barn. I wasn’t really sure when Torrance was driving to VA, but I assumed that she would be there when we loaded, and then be in Middleburg when we got there. Lol I’m an idiot. Apparently she was going to leave today in the afternoon, and Lori, this girl Jess, and I are supposed to load and follow in the morning. Of course she didn’t leave this afternoon. It’s actually 9:00 now and she hasn’t left. She’ll probably leave at like midnight or something.

I did eventually get to go home, eat dinner, and get my 3 day bag. Of course, that wasn’t until 7, and I had cleaned up the horses, put them in their stalls, and fed them.

Now I’m really tired. Luckily I’m so tired that I don’t have a lot of energy to think. Today was when the nerves really kicked in. Like what the heckam I about to do?!

I guess it’s not as drastic as taking off to go to Bolivia for 10 months to work in an orphanage… but it feels just as nuts. I don’t know if I’m cut out out for it, and I really don’t even know what I’m getting myself into. I hope I don’t go crazy.

I think Phone is going back to his owner in VA which makes me sad. He’s become my favorite. I sing songs to him and he likes to snuggle.

I’ll try to post some pictures of our trip. The trailer is CRAZY! I mean think about a tractor trailer big enough to fit 13 horses comfortably. It’s that huge.

Well I guess I should go to sleep now; I have to get up at 5 to start getting stuff ready so we can get out of here.

Oh man oh man am I nervous. Wish me luck!

I think the jury is still out on that question.

I think in a way, they do.

But I also think that a person retains their identity no matter what they’re wearing.

I’ve gone through many styles in my time, short that it’s been. I had the fashionless days of middle school where I could have been mididentified as a lost fifth grader roaming the halls. Then I morphed into a small, awkwardly cute wanna be gangster, complete with Timberland boots, bandanas, and baseball caps. Of course, I eventually went to college and discovered that anyone who is anyone wears $130 designer jeans and has way more shoes than one person needs.

I’ve had a hard time becoming comfortable with the last person.

I’ve tried, I really have. Maybe I’ve even done too good of a job for some people. In fact, right now I’m wearing my favorite Guess jeans (Of course I got them at TJ Maxx where they really don’t cost $130). And I like the fact that I can fit right into those circles of people, even if it’s only on a surface level. I never could before.

But I don’t think I’ve changed inside.  I’m still the awkward little girl in overalls and braids who loves books and hates crowds of people. No amount of money spent on clothes is going to make her go away.

And I don’t want her to. I don’t want to lose that inner nerd, because I like her.

But why do people care so much what clothes we wear? Why does it make a difference at all? Why did I care?

I don’t know.

For some reason though, I knew that going out and buying cute clothes and a lot of shoes was important. So I did it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have nearly as many clothes as some people I know. And I’m certainly not a shopaholic. But I do care how I look, and I care how others see me.

Do people assume things about me because of what I’m wearing? They probably do. And I guess if I’m honest with myself, which I always try to be, that’s the reason I bought them in the first place. Because I wanted people to assume those things, that may or may not be true.

It’s pretty stupid really.

I tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with looking nice, and there’s nothing wrong with being able to feel good about myself. Which is unequivically true. But in the back of my mind I think about that little dorky girl, and wonder why I had to look like this other person in order for people to see me the way they do. My friends think it’s cute and quirky that I’m still weird and nerdy inside. But I bet some of them wouldn’t be my friends if I looked like that girl on the outside.

Maybe I don’t give people enough credit. Maybe everyone would accept me no matter how I was dressed. But somehow I don’t think that’s true.

I’ve gotten hooked on a new book series. The Twilight series. You’ve probably all heard of it… vampires, romance, screaming teenage girls at the movie premiere, etc. Yes, that’s the one.

I begun reading it at the recommendation of my good friend Caitlin. I had heard some of the media hoopla surrouding the novels and their upcoming movie release, but I had chosen to ignore the hype, because vampire books really aren’t my thing. However, Caitlin does not spend the majority of her leisure time reading, and I figured if the books were good enough to have her hooked, I could give them a chance.

And I certainly have enjoyed them. Well, that’s really an understatement. I actually started the second book this morning at 7 am, and finished both number 2, and number 3, by 3 pm. Total hours reading- 8. Total pages read-  1192. That’s a record even for me.

These books have really gotten me thinking. By the end of the first one, I knew why all girls and women alike have gone wild over them. Females want Edward. Yes, I know, thanks Captain Obvious. But seriously. He’s everything that a girl could want. Well, except for the whole vampire thing. He’s gorgeous, gives his love his undivided attention, and wants to protect her from the world. I mean really, who doesn’t want to be protected. Even overly tough, “I can slide tackle you into the ground” girls like me would swoon for a man who could (and wanted to) protect us from harm.

And now I’ve been pondering even more. Hold on, it starts getting pretty deep here. If you’re looking for a shallow movie review, I think it’s time to move on.

People want to be saved. Those who claim that they don’t are fooling themselves. In fact, I think it goes even deeper than that. People need to be saved. We have in inherent desire and longing to be saved… we forever have that inside of us. The need to have someone come and protect us from unhappiness, and to make our existence better.

This book is nothing if not proof of that. The girls who are reading this book have fallen in love with it because they have fallen in love with the idea that there is a man who will do anything for a woman, no matter the cost, because of his deep love for her.

When I was finished reading this afternoon I had an ache inside of me. At first I thought it was just another bout of loneliness and longing for companionship. But when I thought about it, I realized it was something completely different. I want love like that, and I’ve realized it’s impossible. Love like that doesn’t exist in this world. I was aching inside  because of the realization that the flawed human race does not have the ability to offer that kind of love. I don’t have the ability to offer that kind of love. I felt despair, and utter hopelessness.

But then, shining in the darkness, was my ray of light.

This book offers more than just an example of a man loving a woman. It shows an example of the love Jesus has for me. For all of us. Yes, I’m talking about Jesus… the one in the Bible. The one who has all those stories told about Him, and who has people who can be kind of irritating knocking on your door on a Sunday, and who is the reason we get presents under a tree once a year.

That same guy has offered the world EVERYTHING that Edward was offering Bella. That love. That perfect love that caused Edward to be able to never glance at another woman. That caused him to give her the choice of who to belong to, in order to make her happy. And that caused him to do everything in his power to keep her from all harm.

That’s the love I feel around me all the time. And yeah, it does suck, because I don’t have a person to sit next to me and hold me hand. I don’t have a face to touch or a voice to whisper in my ear. And no, it’s not the same type of relationship that Bella and Edward had. And I still want that. I still feel that ache because I know the love that I find on this earth isn’t going to be like that. I’m not going to be in that type of relationship, ever. Because my relationship with Him isn’t the same.

But the love is.

It does exist. I can’t tell you how wonderful that makes me feel. That there is someone who loves me even more perfectly than Edward loves Bella. Even when I don’t deserve it. I never deserve it. But it’s there all the same.

And he died so I could have it. He didn’t just think about giving everything up so I could be safe, He did.

I know a lot of people don’t believe it. They don’t know about that love. But I don’t know how they can bear it. I don’t know how anyone could live in a world like this, that’s so flawed and painful, and not know that someone loves them more perfectly and completely than they can imagine. It makes me sad for them. It makes me sad for myself too, because I have everything, and I still long for more.

I think everyone knows they need God. Or else why would people feel such a desire to be loved and saved by someone in a world where it is impossible to give unconditional love, and against our nature to save another before ourselves. People know. They might not even know that they know. But they do.

I know.

And I’m so thankful… for without that love… life would be without hope, and devoid of real safety.

The quote for today-

Remember this. When people choose to withdraw far from a fire, the fire continues to give warmth, but they grow cold. When people choose to withdraw far from light, the light continues to be bright in itself but they are in darkness. This is also the case when people withdraw from God. -Augustine

In this episode of my life, I would like to tell you about my kids. I know I know, definitely not horse related, but they were a big part of my life.

I actually have a few sets of kids, but these are the kids I nannied for for 2 years. I haven’t seen them in person for a few months (well 6), and I miss them SO much. Though we did webcam the other day. They were so cute.

Laini at the beach

This is Laini. She’s now 7, though the last time I saw her she was 6. She’s my little partner in crime. The kid is 7 going on 17 for sure… she took on the very difficult role of my wingwoman, calling guys for me and telling them to come over and play with her (all of my guy friends LOVED the kids).

This picture was taken at the beach when we went to Florida last summer on vacation. That was an interesting trip One of these days I’ll post the account of it that I had written on another site. Good times with the kiddies.

Lexi on the boat

This is Lexi. She’s now 5. Talk about the sweetest, most loveable little child in the world.

Lol of course she can also be the most emotional of them all.

I can think of nothing better than a Lexi hug, when she wraps her little arms and legs around you and squeezes as hard as she can. She’s always told me that she’s going to marry me someday, and of course Laini jumps right in and tells her that she cant marry a GIRL!

Hailey doing what she does best

This is a typical Hailey picture. She’s 3 1/2, and the kid can get into trouble! That’s a can of Desetin by the way, which she got into and wiped all over herself.

She has a will of steel, and will pretty much do whatever it takes to get what she wants. Mostly which clothes she wants to wear in the morning. She is absolutely obsessed with clothing, in fact, for her 3rd birthday party she got almost nothing else but clothes and shoes, and she was delighted! When I left I was trying to teach her how to match stuff, and she was doing pretty good.

She can be a pretty big “snob” when she wants to be. She’s hurt many of my friends feelings by giving them the staredown and refusing to go sit with them or hold their hand Of course, anybody who has shiny shoes or a purse is wonderful in her book, and she’ll hang out with them in a heartbeat!

Hadley baby

There were really so many hilarious pictures of Hadley, it was hard to choose just one! This is her one day after church. I took Hailey and Hadley to buy popsicles and when I saw what a mess she was making, I just took off her dress and sat her down on the kitchen floor

She’s 2 now, but I havent seen her past her baby phase. She was just learning my name when I left… she called me Babby.

I wonder what kind of little person she’s turning into.

She was such a fun baby. When I would take all the kids to church she would get passed around, and totally didn’t mind sitting with all kinds of people. Of course, it was so cute to see her reaching to me when she got tired of all the attention. It felt like I was a little mommy sometimes.

all of us

So those are my girls. Quite a handful sometimes, but the love and fun times were so worth it. I can’t wait till I get to go see them again… I bet they’ve grown up so much. I have to go soon, because I bet Hadley doesn’t even remember me anymore.

I think this is the last picture I have of all of us. It was taken when we were on a picnic on a VERY windy day. Lol definitely not the greatest picture, but it took us about 10 tries and this is the best one. As you can tell from my death grip on Lexi and Hadley, I was desperate for them to just stay in one place and smile

Man I miss them.

Alright at the risk of getting myself disappointed AGAIN, I’ve started a countdown to my departure for VA. I’ve actually started packing believe it or not. (and if you know me at all, you’ll definitely believe it.)

It’s actually not as crazy as it sounds, because on the 23rd or 24th I leave for Michigan with my family for Thanksgiving. So, in reality, I’m only packing 10 days ahead of time. And that’s only a little bit more than a week.

Oh who am I kidding, I’m nuts.

I’m also having a really hard time picking out a gift for my Secret Santa. (my COTH SS, who is someone I’ve never met) I have this problem… I’m completely neurotic about picking out a perfect gift for people.

So, in case you aren’t following the pattern here, I’m completely neurotic about lots of things.

I’ve been searching online, through all of my catalogues, and wracked my brain trying to come up with the perfect gift. It hasn’t been easy. And I have to order soon, as in yesterday, so that the gift comes to my house before I leave for VA so I can wrap it and send it out to my SS. One of my final choices is a custom saddle cover. I think it’s a pretty good idea, and I do have something to go with it (if all works according to plan), though that part of the gift will remain a secret

Yesterday Torrance was back and I went to work there all day.

i rode Phone and he was such a good boy. I have a really hard time getting him to not fade to the outside through my leg, but we worked on it a bunch and he was doing much better at the end of the lesson. He’s so big, most of the time when I use my leg it seems like he doesn’t even feel it!

I also groomed the new horse, Penny. Hopefully when I go on Sunday I’ll get to ride her. She’s an Irish Draft/TB cross, and she’s a real sweetheart. I guess she’s done BN before with a teenager so it’s not a terrible stretch to say that I could possibly event her in the future.

I don’t think I could ride any of the others. If I rode Dyl, there would be a 50/50 chance of leaving the start gate every time. Puck’s a little horse, but he feels BIG under me… he would be too much of a handful for sure. Phone’s sweet and willing, but I think he needs a seasoned, experienced eventer to get him started, not a complete novice like me. The only one I would really trust is Friday, and my mistakes might piss her off so much that she would decide I’m not worth it

I’m counting my chickens before they hatch, I know. But it is fun to think about. I just have to keep working hard and practicing, and hopefully I’ll be able to make it happen!

Oh man I almost forgot the quote!

“Horses lend us the wings we lack.”

OK so I’m going through one of those phases. You know the ones.

I had been doing so good too. I’d been empowered, and happy, and satisfied, and all that jazz. But lately, I’ve been doing that thing where I ask myself “why the heck don’t I have a guy?”.

And I could probably answer it myself if I wanted to.

Lol but I don’t really want to. I don’t want to play into my self-pity too much.

But really… why? Nobody I’ve ever met has been able to give me a satisfactory answer to that question. Honestly, I’m 21 years old and I’ve never had a serious boyfriend. And the 2 non-serious ones I had were VERY short term. Like a month short term.

It’s just a bit frustrating sometimes. OK and I’m done. Thanks for humoring me.

So what else has been going on with me? Well I’ve been to Torrances a few times this week. She’s still in Virginia though, so it’s been just Lori and I. I’m pretty sure Lori went to get a new horse today for the farm, apparently kind of a rescue situation. I’m pretty excited to go see him tomorrow

I rode Dyl and Phone this week. Phone is such a sweetheart, I’ve really grown to love him. He’s one of those that you can just hang all over and hug and he eats it all up. Dyl is totally not like that… When I try to hug him around the neck he bites my butt He also bites my butt when I’m picking out his feet, hooking  his blanket, and putting on his breastplate. hmmmm… sounds like I already  have a couple boyfriends lol

OH and Lori told me that they’re probably going to breed Friday! I’m SO  excited… I just love babies!

Here’s a picture of my baby at MK’s. Her name is Megan and if I had the money I would buy her right now. She is absolutely the sweetest, nicest, bravest baby ever. I think we could go to the Olympics together someday. (oh let me dream people)

Oh and in other news, I miss the farm girls. I’ve been hanging out with CL and CB on the weekends, but I miss the old days when we were together all the time.

Pyramid of us, minus Mal and Jess (me bottom center)

For those of you who don’t know, the farm girls are Jocelyn, Jackie, Amy, Caitlin Burns (CB), Caitlin LaRoche (CL), Mal, Jess, and me. We rode together for years and spent basically every waking minute together during the summer. Anybody who knows me well has probably been subjected to the Farm Movie at some point

We were seriously retarted growing up. I’m suprised we all made it through high school.

Have you ever played Red Rover? If you have, I’m SURE you haven’t played it the way we did. I can still remember the invention of the superman. Oh I bet it’s been used in other Red Rover circles before, but the day I first tried it our sport was revolutionized. I believe I was going against CB and CL (obviously the weakest link ) I took off running, and when I got to them I simply launched myself straight up in the air and came down on their linked arms. Oof I definitely got the wind knocked out of me on that one. They didn’t stand a chance!

We were beastly. Man I miss them.

Quote for the day…

“People will believe anything, if you whisper it.”

So today I learned how little boys grow up to be men who don’t know how to be sensitive or cry. Pop Warner football.

From the second I got there I could hear the coaches yelling at the kids…

“Come on boys!” “What are you doing out there?” “Get your heads in the game!” “Hit em! Hit em hard!” It didn’t take much imagination to picture them crawling around in caves growling and shooting things with arrows.

Three times the on site emt had to go onto the field to check on little boys who had ended up at the bottom of the pile. What does that say… a sport for 8 and 9 year olds that needs an on site emt? The poor little things, they’re being walked off the field and they’re trying so hard not to cry, and the coaches tell them to “walk it off son, just walk it off” and then head off to yell at the rest of the team some more. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a coddler. When kids fall down I’m all about getting back up and shaking it off. I mean anybody who’s seen me play soccer with the guys, or even ride for that matter, knows that I’m tough, and I treat my kids the same for the most part. However, this is a tiny little boy who just got tackled to the ground by a bigger kid, and then jumped on by 7 other kids!

And all his mother can do is stand on the sidelines with her eyebrows creased because she knows how embarrassed the poor kid will be if his “mommy” comes to help him.

It’s definitely not all bad. I can really see how it teaches the kids discipline and structure, and they have a lot of respect for their coach. And as one of my friends told me today, it’s a good way for the boys to get their aggression out And I guess that’s how we teach our boys to be the strong tough men we love. I just hope that those little boys don’t forget that sometimes it’s ok to cry, on their journey to manhood.

Here's Ryan (in orange) with a teammate and another friend

I have to say that the little boys were the cutest things in their tiny uniforms though. Ryan is always the shortest one… I wish I had gotten a picture of them all standing in line on the sidelines. Their huge shoulder pads make their legs look like toothpicks.

Oh and let me share one of my dumb moments. I dropped Ryan and Michael off at the field and then went to park around 9:45. I knew Ryan’s game started at 10:30, but for some reason when I walked over and saw the little people in their uniforms on the field I assumed it was his team. I kept looking for the smallest kid on the team, because in their helmets they all looked the same, and I couldn’t figure out why ALL of the kids were as small as Ryan. Retarted as I am, it took me the whole first quarter to figure out that it was the 7 and 8 year olds on the field, and Ryan’s game hadn’t even started.